Now isn't this thoughtful ?

To save wear and tear on the audience, I carried my own applause. I had four pairs of wooden hands made. After certain jokes, four stagehands thrust the wooden hands in front of the curtain on both sides of the stage and slapped them together. When the clatter of my homemade applause died down, I explained to the audience that some of my jokes and tricks merited applause, but I didn't want to bother the paying customers.

~ Fred Allen in 'Much Ado about Me'
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Positive Identification

A few days ago on television, I saw a commercial for a liquid detergent. Two different women were displaying their hands side by side for the nation to admire. "Can you tell the mother's hands from her daughter's?" an announcer asked me. "Of course," I replied. "The daughter's hands are the ones that have just been in her mother's wallet."

~ Bill Cosby in Time Flies
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Innocence Lost

There is something in the faces of innocent children that is truly universal. They could have been kids anywhere, bundled up against the cold, out for a walk with their parents, too young to understand grown-up hates and prejudices.

Of course, you have to catch them before they’re old enough to start reading newspapers.

~ Bob Hope in "Don't Shoot, It's only me"
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Invitation

My parents came to America by invitation. Those who landed here before themsent back picture postcards of a lady called Miss. Liberty. Printed on themwere these words:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The Wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

It was signed Emma Lazarus, a name that sounded familiar to my parents - perhaps some second cousin on my mother's side. So Mama and Papa packed all their belongings and left for America. After all, who was more tired, poor, huddled, yearning to be free, wretched, homeless and tempest-tost than they?

~ Sam Levenson in Everything but Money
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Child Psychology

Even subtler are the ways in which these little ones have learned to defeat the enemy through psychological warfare:

"Alice and I are going to play house today, Evelyn. You can play too. You can be the maid and this is your day off."

~ Sam Levenson in "Everything but Money"
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Christmas Shopping

A rugged Texan, dripping with oil and Cadillacs, walked into an exclusive art gallery in New York with his nagging wife. In fifteen minutes flat the Texan bought six Picassos, three Renoirs, ten Cezannes, and thirty Utrillos. He then turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said. "There, honey chile, that takes care of the Christmas cards. Now let's get started on the serious shopping."

From Henny Youngman's "How do you like me so far?"
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How's this for Recognition ?

I, W C Field, possess a deeper understanding of babies and their problems than any other statesman in America. For, over and above the fact that I was once a baby myself, I have made a life study of the dear little brats. And my work has not gone unnoticed by the public. Just consider the number ofchildren that have been named for me - why, there must be close to a millionWilliams in the United States alone.

~ Extract from "Fields for President"
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