Lunacy Isn't Only for The Insane

The British Government has patently taken leave of its few remaining senses and plans to give carte blanche to the nationwide imposition of Gambling Dens. It claims to be bringing to the masses what the rich already have!
You will pardon me for mislaying my humour with this asinine, and clearly corrupt, example of the failures of uncontrolled government. A little flutter or daily pound (couple of dollars, couple of euros, a large number but low value of yen) risked at the high street bookie (or turf accountant - early spin, no?) is quite different from having a Las Vegas style casino "in every city".
So don't get me wrong; what people, intent on supporting the high living of the makers of odds, do with their money is not something I object to. But, frankly, I can find no case for these temples of temptation outside clearly demarked areas. They have a tone that does not belong in the daily lives of any of us.
I use the term 'temple' advisedly. For they are about the worship of money and physical sensation. Both the latter are important, but neither should be worshipped.
Of course, such an ethics-free idea is quickly copied by those who do worhip at the temple of mammon. Step forward Cheap Executive Michael O'Leary of Ryanair.
With Ryanair you can fly for next to nothing - only the seat is supplied, though. I am not sure if even use of the toilet is free.
Perhaps their slogan is "With Ryanair You Wish You Were Already There".
There is to be an in-flight entertainment system, which is now being tested. And, lo and behold, it is just the thing to have in-flight gambling on. "With Credit Cards," says O'Leary in capitals.
Out of Capitals, he points out, land based government restrictions "were unlikely to apply... ...you are in international waters."
So what's another pirate here or there?
Well, yes, I do feel pretty strongly about it. Though I am no Evangelist on this (or any other matter). I would not, for example, do what anti-gambling vandals did in Melbourne, Australia at the beginning of this month.
They poured superglue into the locks of 25 betting shops the night before the country's biggest horse race, The Melbourne Cup - 'the race that stops the nation'. But six locksmiths were equal to the task, racing round the city to ensure the punters were not prevented from losing their shirts.
No one has claimed responsibility and the police seem unable to make a breakthrough. What you might call a sticky case.

A Wizard Story

I suppose I should be proud that the retiring Wizard of Christchurch is an Englishman.

Any of my fellow countrymen who may feel a bit funny about being associated with such oddness will be relieved that Ian Brackenberry Channell (no, I don’t make everything up; this is his real name) has spent his entire wizard life in Australia and New Zealand.

Bad enough, you might think, that he was appointed to the above title 30 years ago, but what could Prime Minister, the Honourable Mike Moore, have been thinking of when he officially proclaimed him Wizard of New Zealand in 1990. Under his spell, no doubt.

But now the Wiz is retiring; and would you believe the City is seeking an apprentice to carry on the tradition. They had better hurry because this is the last season that Ian (if I may call him that - I’m not keen to raise his wrath) will act the Wizard.

I discover also that Ian served in the Royal Air Force as a navigator and I wonder if he got too carried away by the air force catchphrase ‘wizard prang’.

To digress. I had often wondered what prang actually means, so I have just looked it up. It will not surprise you to know that it means to crash or damage an aircraft or vehicle and to bomb a target successfully.

But why a ‘wizard’ prang? Is it magical? Well, with the help of the Oxford English Dictionary I can solve that one too.

It is simply that as archaic slang it means wonderful or excellent; not that I would want to be in a crash even if it is archaically wonderful!

But to get back to Ian, he developed an identity for himself while an academic in Australia as "The Wizard" with a world view that comprised a complex mixture of magic, esoteric philosophy, sociology and Situationist performance art. Er...

Magic and esoteric philosophy I can see together, even perhaps with sociology. But situationist performance art?

Of course it will help to know what situationist means; and from the dictionary comes ‘situationism’ the theory that human behaviour is determined by surrounding circumstances rather than by personal qualities. Oh! Yes! I see.

The ‘not me guv’ School of Irresponsibility.

While ‘performance art’ is a kind of visual art in which the activity of the artist forms a central feature. And I thought it meant watching someone make a fool of themselves. And, as a ‘situationist’, without any idea of what he is doing?

But still, perhaps I should sympathise; after all his later career could have happened in Australia (Oz).

So he just missed being THE Wizard of Oz.

Uncle Joe

Surprise, Surprise

Life, as you know, is full of surprises. The hospital trip did not happen; the whys the wherefores and the whichways are not - at this moment - of moment.

But it does give me a few unexpected minutes to discuss toilets. You may have been hoping for something a little more inspiring. But then inspiring in the toilet can bring some unwanted odours to the nose. Noses I can talk about another time, come to think of it!

I have come across so many stories of the loo which seems unbelievable; like the exploding toilet in Leicester (pronounced 'lester' - don't ask me why), the World Toilet Summit (where I am sure they get a good flow), the Texas pan which overflowed with crude oil (and led to crude jokes) and, oh, so many tales which force one's punning hat on.

Toilet activity is inescapable; we eat, we drink, we digest, we extrude waste. Simple really. But getting rid of waste matter has become a topic which emabrrasses. We may wonder why, but the other side of the coin is that we seek euphemisms to describe the things that go on, or come out, or are the hardware. And that offers opportunities for humour; and that is where I come in.

There is a side to this most of you, happily, will not know about. That is all the illnesses which affect what is mostly taken for granted. There are an awful lot of these, some of which combine with severe pain. And often where impressive courage is exhibited. And often where the sense of humour on the subject is honed. After all, it is more positive to laugh than to cry.

And, believe me, there is nothing more embarrassing than being smelly in a public loo cubicle, and receiving the stares of other loo users as you go to wash your hands. And how do you make fun of that? Hmmm. Perhaps you'd like to tell me...

Or perhaps you would rather I flush this subject down the pan.

Joseph Harris

5 minute type

Ok. I have just five minutes before organising a hospital trip; that is a vist to a hospital, not the kind of trip that is frowned on in legal circles.

Oh - only three minutes.

I am just getting back to sorting the frequency of Smile Poetry Weekly, my ezine of original humourous poetry. That frequency has suffered because a lot of the time for preparing the magazine has been taken up learning new tricks, difficult as you know for an old dog.

I have to revamp my site and make it interactive and redesign and redesign the newsletters and learn how to sell the books and learrn and learn. I might just as well be back at school.

Ah! So now you know what I mean!

Must go. Remember, he who goes round in circles is always behind.

Chacha Joe